I got pregnant in February 2023. It was an extremely easy, low-risk pregnancy, and as such I was midwife-led. At 26 weeks I just knew I had pre-eclampsia, and I addressed this with healthcare professionals, where I was told “I was far too early.” I went into hospital 09/08/2023 not prepared to have a baby, and I was extremely detached from the whole experience to the point that I still have blank spaces that my memory has repressed as a coping mechanism.
My husband and I spent from 4am–5:30pm cracking jokes and telling professionals they must have the wrong information, as we couldn’t believe our baby needed to come so early. 09/08/2023 Joshua Michael Murray arrived into the world via emergency C-section due to severe pre-eclampsia and HELLP syndrome at 669 grams. He peed on the surgeon and attempted independent breaths – it was the best outcome we could have asked for, and I was allowed to hold him for a brief moment.
However, when you picture holding your baby for the first time, you imagine feeling their fresh skin next to yours, feeling their hair tickle your face as you inhale that new baby smell. That’s not the experience you get if your baby is born too early. Instead, I had my baby placed in a plastic sandwich bag, wrapped in a blanket, and placed on me with at least two professionals hovering, just in case baby’s stats were to plummet. Never mind you can’t see their little delicate faces due to the big breathing apparatus.
After the birth, I became a shell of myself, and my husband had to advocate on behalf of our whole family. I also really struggled to bond with our son. In total, we were in NICU for 10 weeks across two hospitals – Royal Victoria Hospital and Antrim Area Hospital. I was very good at putting on a front for professionals, as I knew what they wanted to see/hear, but at this point my husband and I suspected I had more than just the “baby blues.”
My relationship with my husband was negatively impacted when we brought Josh home, as I held a lot of grief that I had failed as his mum – that I was unable to house him for the full 9 months. Due to this grief, my breastfeeding journey was even more important to me, but when Josh was categorised as “failure to thrive” due to poor weight gain, my husband knew we had to introduce high-calorie formula. But once again, I felt like a failure because again, my body was unable to provide what my baby needed.
My mood was very low, and my husband continued to express concerns about my bond with the baby. My husband became so concerned about my mental health that he reached out to professionals involved with Josh to get me additional support, but this was met with resistance and professionals questioning if he was manipulative and controlling. I eventually asked for help through my GP and started counselling through the perinatal mental health pathway. By this stage, I was feeling much better in myself, but also having someone to talk to about these “blank spots.”
I also arranged a birth review at the Royal, which I believed was extremely healing for me, as I needed them to acknowledge that some things could have been improved. At my birth review, I was 6 weeks pregnant with my second baby, so it was agreed this consultant would be my consultant throughout my second pregnancy, and she prescribed me aspirin immediately to lower the likelihood of me developing pre-eclampsia again.
My second pregnancy was very different! I was seen every 2 weeks by a consultant after 24 weeks. I also utilised the psychological service within the Royal, which I again found beneficial, and it reassured me before labour. Now, I still ended up with a Cat 1 emergency C-section under general anaesthetic, but I found it a much better experience than that with Josh. It should also be noted that it means the world to me that both my boys were brought into this world by the amazing surgeon Elias!
Mentally, I have never felt better, and I’m enjoying this second-time experience and toddler stage so much more. ❤️
TinyLife were extremely important in my mental health journey. TinyLife put me in contact with other parents who had been through similar situations. It was also good to be validated in relation to that grief/failure mentality about my body failing me. Baby massage was extremely beneficial as well to build that bond between Josh and I.